MARTHA AND JEN TALK TURKEY – AND DISH SEX

J – I got to thinking the other day, (because I do that on occasion…think, that is); about the breasts of our turkeys. They’ve gotten so enormous as of late, how in the world do they successfully mate? So, I did a little research. Come to find out that they don’t actually! Not by themselves anyway. Farmers manually “extract” the Tom Turkey’s semen and artificially inseminate the hens. Imagine that. It’s referred to as “semen sucking.” Hmmmm. I sure wouldn’t want to be that dad on “Kindergarten Career Day.” So this Thanksgiving, as you sit round the table with your loved ones preparing to enjoy your impossibly large-breasted bird, say an extra prayer of thanks for the poor fella who’s been jerking around with your turkey.

M – Turkey jerkers! Dear Lord, what is this world coming to? Only in America would we genetically modify these animals to such a degree that they can no longer have sex – the one enjoyment I imagine they might experience in their pitifully short and tortured lives (free-rangers excepted). Which reminds me of a quote attributed to Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I love Thanksgiving turkey. It’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.” Wrong again! And I’m sure the scientists won’t stop there. There’s probably someone in a lab as I write this who’s busy developing turkey Viagra. Bad enough that all the “porn fluffers” have lost their jobs due to Viagra. Now the poor turkey jerkers will be joining the ranks of the unemployed.

J – Viagra. Yikes! Did you know that it was originally developed for women? It didn’t work very well though. It basically helps with blood flow, not with desire. And when it comes to sex, women’s heads are more involved (evolved?) than men’s, at least the one above the shoulders. Viagra is also one of the leading causes of divorce in couples married more than 30 years. It goes something like this: The husband’s feeling a little “down,” so he goes to his doc and gets the little blue pill, pops it, dons his “randy” hat and starts chasing his wife around the house. Meanwhile, camped out in the bathroom, waiting for the storm to pass, she’s thinking, “What happened to my Scrabble partner?” A responsible physician should definitely take both partners into consideration before he or she starts messing around with one’s libido. After all, it takes two to tango!

M – I wonder how many guys who use V actually have ED versus those that just want a fix-it pill for their mid-life crisis. I read recently that Viagra’s so prevalent, it’s being distributed at college parties. Can you even imagine a 20-year-old male on Viagra? What a frightening thought! If it were up to me, I’d suggest the pharmaceutical companies focus on developing drugs that benefit both sexes. How about Directra, a drug that causes men to ask for directions? Or Neva-Sportagra – a drug that makes men turn off televised sports? Or Buyagra – a drug that makes men spontaneously buy presents and flowers for their sweeties?

J – You’re right! If men indulged their partners’ romantic notions every now and then (even though they may be considered trite), I bet the naughty lingerie and high heels might just come into “play” some night…

Wag Up

Grail Springs (grailsprings.com) – This reasonably priced, transformational spa, located three hours outside Toronto, is a true oasis. Connect your mind, body and soul, relax, cleanse, detox. Whatever you need, you’ll receive (with a smile!) – M

Suzanne at The Steven Mancini Salon in Wilton – For all of you “natural” blondes out there who’ve been every shade of brass to ash and back again, book an appointment with her. You’ll be thrilled with the results. Not only does she do a brilliant blonde, she’s consistent! – J

Wag Down

People who say, “I saw that you’re writing for WAG and leave it at that! Tell me you hate the column or love the column but please don’t leave me hanging! – M

People who, after waiting in line at Starbucks for 10 minutes, still don’t know what they want when they finally get up to the barista. Seriously? And DON’T ask what the difference is between a cafe latte and a cappuccino when there’s an angry mob behind you! First of all, where have you been for the last 10 years, and why are you even AT Starbucks? – J

Email Class&Sass at marthaandjen@thewagonline.com.

2 Comments

  • Wagger says:

    Love it!
    In case there is any doubt about the love or hate relationship with class and sass, I for one, love it. The only thing I hate is that it ends and that I have to wait for a new one! Additionally, I learned about turkey Breast enhancement, a food fact which I did not know! Whether free range or enhanced, I hope everyone really enjoys their Turkeys this year with their familys. Happy Thanksgiving!
    Posted by Marisa Perry November 22, 2011 19:29:27

  • Wagger says:

    Turkeys…
    After just cutting into my turkey yesterday, and finding that it had no breast bone…I must admit that you are onto something. Very unusual! I am eager to hear what you have to say about those horrid fruit cakes!
    Posted by PF November 26, 2011 00:07:03

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