RUNNING AT THE MOUTH

J – As the season approaches (wait, it’s here) to shed my clothing, I start to panic, envisioning myself in shorts (that have gotten shorter and shorter); barely there bikinis; the “little” black dress (It really should cover something, shouldn’t it? Is there a shortage of fabric that I don’t know about?); and hence, about stepping up my workout regimen. But how can I keep it interesting enough to stay motivated for more than a few weeks? I’m tired of the same old routines, aerobics, spin, strength training and cardio machines. My recumbent bike has turned into a very expensive coat hanger.

M – Did you know the treadmill was invented as a way to punish prisoners in Victorian England? I’m not kidding. It was banned in 1902 for cruelty. I feel the same way about all the rest of the equipment and weights found in the gym. I need a class full of fun women and loud music to keep me motivated.

J – Those things remind me of when they used to force a prisoner to walk miles on end, tied to the back of a horse, until he finally fell face down, because he couldn’t walk any farther. So they just dragged him the rest of the way. At least on the treadmill, you can hop off whenever you’re in need of refreshments. Hey, remember those butt-jiggling things? That weird piece of “gym” equipment with the belt that you strapped around your booty? Not sure what they were trying to achieve with that one. Or those plastic suits that you wore around the house to try and sweat off the pounds? I only have one word for that – glamorous.

M – Those jiggle things were called vibrating belts. I know, because my mother bought every crazy exercise device she saw advertised, including the RelaxAcisor, which promised muscle exercise via contractions. None of them worked, but they sure made for a humorous childhood. But truth be told, my “active” exercise classes (interval training, rebound, kickboxing, Zumba, etc.) aren’t working much better than my mother’s “passive” program. In fact, I should ask for a refund from the “Look Great Naked” class I’ve been faithfully attending for nearly four years, because I still don’t.

J– Maybe they should advertise it as “Look Great Naked In The Dark.” Listen, you’re better than I am. I don’t do classes. I get dizzy and disoriented from a lack of oxygen and start going in the wrong direction, bumping into the other ladies. Needless to say, I’m not very popular in my Zumba class. And, if I’m going to “run,” I’m usually running towards something, like a muffin, or away from someone who’s after my wallet.

M – But you sure were popular on our softball team. There we were, a bunch of mothers who had the brilliant idea of playing softball so we could turn the tables on our kids and husbands by forcing them to watch us play a sport. What were we thinking? Only a few of us had ever put a bat in our hands, let alone hit a ball with one. All I can say is thank God for the base on balls.

J – Yes, that was great exercise for me. I don’t remember even getting close to first base (no cardio there) and the few times my bat ever did make contact with the ball, I just stood there in wonderment watching it pop up and into someone’s glove. But hey, our tailgate parties were awesome

M – They sure were. While the rest of those teams were munching on hot dogs and chugging beer, we had a delectable array of sushi and sashimi, not to mention sake and Chardonnay. Three seasons later, with not a single win in our column, we universally agreed to throw in the towel and stick with what we are good at. I still haven’t figured out exactly what that is, but I’m having a great time trying to figure it out.

J– All kidding aside, I absolutely love my TRX. It is the fasted, most efficient way to work every muscle in your body and get a great cardio workout. Hats off to the Navy Seals who invented this amazing super strength training system.

Wag Up

  • Whoever the woman was who said, “I exercise: I run my mouth, I push my luck and I jump to conclusions.” (M)
  • Cover-ups. (J)

Wag Down

  • Myself – for not buying stock in Lululemon four years ago. (M)

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