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“It may be that more fathers believe they should be a bigger part of their children’s lives.”

But Felder says men use this as a bargaining chip.

“They don’t really want joint physical custody. They use this to terrorize the mother. It’s a naked thrust to the women’s vitals. What men do like is joint legal custody. It inflates their position, even though they see the kids one day. Physical custody is still with the mother.”

Miller has a different view: “Custody will depend on the availability of the parents. If both are working, physical custody may be shared. The kindest thing divorcing parents can do is resolve their issues with as little acrimony as possible.”

Divorcing parents may want to consider nesting, in which the children remain in their home while the parents live in the house on a rotating basis, she says.

A divorcing couple may turn to a mediator to talk out their issues in a free 90-minute session, adds Miller, who is also a mediator.

Maier is a fan of the collaborative approach, in which the two parties sit down with their lawyers. However, should this process fail, those same lawyers cannot represent the couple in court.

Says Miller: “We should all be collaborative-minded.”

The gay divorcés

The advent of gay marriage in New York is sure to add even more texture to the complexity of le divorce.

“It’s day-by-day,” Maier says. “We’re learning all the ins and outs.”

For example, a gay couple in New York can file a joint state tax return but not a joint federal one. That means maintenance (the old alimony, remember?) is not tax deductible on the federal level.  And, of course, if you move to a place like Texas, the marriage may not be recognized at all.

Oy vey.

Two things are certain:

“(Gay marriage) will increase our business, because it will be another segment of the population that is getting a divorce,” Miller says.

And, Felder adds,

“Now (gays) have a right to be as miserable as everyone else.”