Start your engines

M– Summer seems like the perfect time to talk about revving up the fireworks in the bedroom. Apparently this is spontaneously happening to women caught up in the “Fifty Shades of Grey” craze. No offense to the author, but I found the trilogy to be poorly written and highly improbable. The protagonist, 21, has never French-kissed, yet she hardly flinches when she discovers her paramour’s fully outfitted S&M chamber? When asked about this best-seller, Dr. Ruth Westheimer (who was recently part of The Harvey School’s gala and who, at 84, is still cuter than a bug’s ear and not much bigger than one) couldn’t explain the series popularity, but suggested that anything that’s increasing women’s sex drive is a good thing. I couldn’t agree more, but seriously, if you liked “50 Shades,” do yourself a favor and order “Best Women’s Erotica,” edited by Marcy Sheiner, which offers a much wider selection of well-written erotica. Or follow Dr. Ruth on Twitter, on her website, drruth.com (where she reviews sex toys and more) or visit her YouTube channel. Gotta love this woman who emerged from an orphanage to write more than 35 books and in the interim was a sniper in the Israeli army.

J – Or better yet, why read about it when you can see it? If you really want to rev up your engine, try a visit to the Museum of Sex (museumofsex.com). But be forewarned:  Go there with someone you definitely want to get up close and personal with. It’s not for the faint of heart, but I highly recommend it for the perfect “date night.” And I would not plan on having dinner after your visit.  Instead you’ll  want to head straight to the nearest hotel (although there is a great Lebanese restaurant right across the street, ilili, with unisex bathrooms, if you are so inclined). They have a new exhibit at the museum now, exploring the sex lives of animals, from same-sex pairings to dolphin blowhole sex and panda porn. (Evidently, because pandas are born in captivity, they do not know how to have sex, so they are shown videos of other pandas doing the dirty deed.) This exhibit exposes how humans may not be the only species in the animal kingdom engaging in sex for the sheer pleasure of it.

M– I love the Museum of Sex. It’s a true New York City gem. It has everything you’d want in a museum – artifacts (e.g., sexual devices used through the ages), nature exhibits (as you mentioned) and even a bit of film noir. (Curious to see the Tommy Lee and the Paris Hilton sex tapes? This is your chance.) The only museum that comes close to this (and I speak from experience) is the Icelandic Phallological Museum, which houses the world’s largest collection of penises.(They have everything from a blue whale’s penis, weighing in at a whopping 150 pounds and measuring 67 inches, to a human’s, to a hamster’s, which requires a microscope to see.) But given this museum’s location, the former is a bit more geographically desirable. (My husband and kids got all the way to the Phallological Museum and then refused to enter. Think it might have had something to do with the giant phallic rock statue.) But back to sparks in the bedroom: Have you seen the wonderful new movie “Hysteria”? In a previous column, we mentioned that the vibrator had been invented in Victorian England as a way to cure women’s hysteria, and now they’ve gone and made a movie about it. Wish we could claim to be the inspiration for the movie, but I guess the timing doesn’t quite work.

J – Back in the day, doctors did vaginal massages to those “hysterical” women. So many a day, and so popular was this treatment, that the tendons in their arms became inflamed. The movie “Hysteria,” starring Rupert Everett, is about the inventor of the vibrator. He evidently hooked up a feather duster to a generator and tested it on street hookers. The home version of the vibrator soon became extremely popular – Gee I wonder why? – and could be ordered in the Sears and Roebuck catalog. Like the Museum of Sex, this movie is a must-see. But while technology is wonderful, we don’t want to get to the point where we have desensitized ourselves to the intimacy of the human touch. As far as the celebrity sex tapes at the Museum of Sex are concerned, I was like a deer caught in headlights. I left hot and bothered.

M – Speaking of deer, did you see the photo of the deer engaged in a three-way at the museum?

J – Sure did. You just can’t make this stuff up.

WAG Up

  • Kegel exercises. Don’t undervalue the integrity of your vaginal walls, ladies. (J)
  • The Eroscillator vibrator – the only sexual device that Dr. Ruth has ever endorsed, so you know it’s gotta be worth its weight in gold! (M)

WAG Down

  • Cyberbullying, cyberstalking, sex tapes (sold to the media by exes).Poor Paris Hilton (even if you don’t like her). Ugh! (J)
  • Panty O – The panty with a one-inch extension to give you a “focus” point for your Kegel exercises! (For my money, a discreet Post-it note placed on my steering wheel is all the reminder I need to keep myself busy at stop lights.)

Email Class&Sass at marthaandjen@wagmag.com. You may also follow Martha and Jen on Facebook at WAG ClassandSass

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