No butts about it

I’m lying on my tummy, getting my butt spanked.

Wait, that didn’t come out quite right. This isn’t “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

I’m lying on my tummy getting my butt massaged intensely by what feels like rapid-fire fingers that then lift and squeeze the cheeks. This is periodically interrupted by some “spanking” — less rapid tapping to release the lactic acid so I don’t feel an after burn.

The things I do for this job.

I’m actually at Greenwich Medical Spa trying out the new EMSCULPT, which uses high-intensity, focused electromagnetic technology to increase muscle mass, thereby sculpting the tummy and lifting the butt. 

At the spa, I’m greeted by medical assistant Danielle Reategui, who leads me to a room that looks like a cross between a spa treatment room and an exam room. There I remove my outer clothes and all my jewelry, don a robe that’s more of a terrycloth towel and read through all the medical questions, signing the consent form. I’m then introduced to aesthetic nurse practitioner Catherine Curtin, who straps a paddle to my tummy. I feel a series of intense vibrations followed by a periodic dip (or muscle contraction) and the
ever-faithful tapping.

As I lie there, I learn how the treatment works. For each body part — the stomach and the buttocks — you need four 30-minute sessions over the course of two weeks followed by two more sessions, then a maintenance follow-up every three months.

A half-hour is the equivalent of 20,000 sit-ups for the tummy or 20,000 squats for the butt. Since I have — had — a relatively flat stomach with most of my “junk in the trunk,” as the expression goes, I decide to make the most of the complimentary treatment and go for some butt work. I have to admit I enjoy the vigorous butt massage more than the tummy work. As I rest my head on my arms, I marvel how much can be accomplished by doing nothing, courtesy of magnets designed by the great Serbian-American inventor Nikola Tesla. (Wonder what he would think of this application.)

Such idle accomplishment is not without a price tag. The medical spa is currently offering the six treatments for $3,000, a 50-percent discount.

Afterward, I dress for an event, enjoy a hearty cup of white ambrosia tea, which tastes like warm bread, and draft this article. Meanwhile, my butt feels like I just completed a rigorous bike workout and I’m inspired to see if I can replicate the effects of the treatment the old-fashioned way.

Now if I divide 20,000 squats and 20,000 sit-ups by 365 days….

EMSCULPT is not designed for menstruating women, as it will only heighten cramping, or for men and women with hip replacements. Check with your doctor before beginning any treatment. For more, visit greenwichmedicalspa.com.

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