Summer movies

Summer is the best. Baseball kicks into gear, there are BBQs and “So You Think You Can Dance” returns. But most important, summer is when the hottest movies of the year get released.

Last year we had “The Avengers,” “The Amazing Spider-Man” and “Batman: The Dark Knight Rises.” This year it’s “Man of Steel,” “Iron Man 3” and possibly the greatest superhero of them all, “The Great Gatsby.” What movies will live up to the hype? What will be this summer’s “Battleship”? (Strike that. “Battleship” was good. I love you, Peter Berg):

May 3: “Iron Man 3”: I liked the first “Iron Man,” but do we need 90 minutes of Tony Stark talking about what it’s like to be Iron Man while Don Cheadle/Terrance Howard yells at him and Gwyneth Paltrow pouts? Probably not. In the end, it will make more than a billion dollars, have references to other “Avengers’” movies that will go over my head, and I will still stay after for a scene in the credits that will also go over my head.

May 10: “The Great Gatsby”:  Warner Bros. was originally going to release this at Christmas but then moved it back. They also pushed back “Gangster Squad,” too. Given that I ended up seeing 397 movies in 2012, I am convinced WB did this to prevent me from seeing 400 movies. Oh, you want me to talk about “Gatsby”?  It’s based on one of the best books of all time. It has Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire and Carey Mulligan. It’s directed by Baz Luhrmann. Seriously, watch the trailer. Yeah, you’re pumped, aren’t you?

May 24: “The Fast and Furious 6”- “Fast Six” looks amazing, simply because it looks exactly like “Fast 5.” There will be insane car chases, there will be fights, there will be The Rock, and Letty is back? I might have to midnight this.

May 31: Can we just agree to call this movie “Welcome to After Earth,” in honor of Will Smith’s immortal line in “Independence Day”? The first time I saw the trailer, I thought the movie looked intriguing, but wanted to find out how who the director was. No director was named in the trailer, which I thought was odd, given this is a big summer movie. Then I went online. And my heart sank — M. Night Shyamalan. (Expletive)

Have you seen “The Happening”? It is atrocious.  And this movie will probably be awful. I will wait for Will Smith to say “Welcome to After Earth.” He won’t. I will be disappointed. There will be an ending that is really stupid, and cause the Internet to freak out.

Also coming out in May: “Star Trek Into Darkness” – (The first one was great, so this should be good, too) and “Now You See Me.” (As someone who sat through “The Incredible Burt Wonderstone,” I like movies about magic, apparently. I’m single for a reason.)

June 14– “The Bling Ring”- One of the greatest happenings over the last five years is Emma Watson realizing what the world already knew: She’s really hot. She’s started doing more adult roles (“Perks of Being a Wallflower” was awesome) and doing sexy shoots for magazines and clothing lines. It’s been awesome. In this one, she and a bunch of friends rob celebrities’ homes. This movie is going to rule.

June 28– “White House Down”- So when I was 13, I came up with an idea for a movie where … wait for it … the President is about to get impeached, so in order to clear his name, he takes the White House hostage. Boom. And what would it be called?

“Hostage to the Chief.” My friend and I even work-shopped the movie and came up with a real plot and everything. I even watched “The Negotiator’ to come up with ideas for the movie. My friend’s dad was a Secret Service agent, so he gave us insight.

People laughed at me and never liked the idea. But “White House Down” is the second movie this year in which the White House gets taken hostage. So obviously, a lot of people think it’s a good idea.

July 12- “Grown Ups 2”- I saw “Grown Ups” with a friend, who the whole time kept bemoaning “Where is the conflict?” as the movie limped from one lame joke to another. I think it’s great that Adam Sandler has a lot of friends, and I think it’s laudable that he gives them jobs. But that doesn’t mean I want to see this, nor I am going to. Unless Norm Macdonald has a cameo, of course.

Also, Rob Schneider isn’t in this one. Some magazine (well, besides this one) needs to do a big profile of Rob Schneider where he discusses what it’s like to be Rob Schneider and he reveals why he and Adam Sandler don’t like each other anymore. He wasn’t even in “Jack and Jill.”

Also in July: “Red 2” (I guess?), “The Wolverine” (seriously?) and “Pacific Rim.” (Sure, why not?)

August 2– “2 Guns” – I know nothing about this movie, but Denzel Washington is probably the most reliable actor out there, and it has Mark Wahlberg, too, so you know it’s going to be good. This is the type of movie for those who don’t have AC.

August 9- “Elysium” – “District 9” was an awesome movie. This is by the same director (Neill Blomkamp) and has Matt Damon and Jodie Foster, with another sci-fi plot. One hopes it’s more coherent than Jodie Foster’s Golden Globes speech.

August 16- “Kick-Ass 2” – The original “Kick-Ass” was a lot of fun, with Nicolas Cage hamming it up like he always does. This one swaps out Cage for Jim Carrey, thus making it even more fun. This could be a late August sleeper and probably worth checking out.

August 16- “The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones” ­– I don’t know what this movie is about, I just think it’d be funny to go, “Can I have one for ‘The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones’ please?” Ah, August movies.

August 23- “You’re Next” – I was all excited for this movie until I found out it is not a biopic of Bill Goldberg.

For more on my roundup of summer movies and “The Great Gatsby,” check out WAG’s May “Heating Up” issue and follow me on Twitter at sb_wreeldeal. – Sam Barron

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